"If you two can handle things here for a while, I'd like to take a short nap." Kathryn Janeway turned the pilot's chair over to B'Elanna.

"Certainly, Captain. Sweet dreams." She smiled at the ever cheerful Talaxian as she walked past him.

"Wake me if you see anything interesting." With that Kathryn vanished thought the doors to the aft compartment.

She slipped out of her shoes and jacket and lay down on the cot. Turning around a few times to find a comfortable position, she cursed the efficient Starfleet design once again.
After forcing herself to relax, Kathryn finally drifted off.

Janeway woke up with a start and looked around herself in confusion. She was in one of Voyager's corridors, but how had she gotten there? The last thing she remembered was taking a nap on the Delta Flyer.
She got up off the floor and looked around to find out where exactly she was. Deck three, close to her quarters. First of all she had to get some shoes and a jacket. The absence of these vital parts of her uniform puzzled her and she intended to find out what had happened.

Walking towards her quarters, Kathryn got the feeling that something was out of place. It was not just the fact that she had no idea how she had ended up lying on the floor on deck three without shoes and jacket.
There was something else that did not feel right. She stopped at one corner, and closing her eyes, she pressed both hands against the bulkhead. As the vibrations of Voyager's engines travelled through her arms, Kathryn knew instantly that this was not her ship. She felt old and wary, scarred by battles they had not fought together. She let her hands slide along the wall, before she turned away from it and towards her quarters.

Suddenly, someone grabbed her from behind and a strong arm cut off her air supply. Kathryn tried to scream and kick back at the assailant, but he was too strong for her to break free. The pressure on her throat became more and more painful and Kathryn was seriously concerned about suffocating. She tried to pull the restraining arm away from her throat, but the pressure only increased.

"Who the hell are you and what are you doing on my ship?" The voice of her trusted first officer made Janeway relax slightly and she unsuccessfully tried to speak past her blocked airway. She tugged at his arm once again and this time he slightly eased the pressure.

"Chakotay, it's me, Kathryn." Her abused throat let her voice sound even huskier than usual and her hand caressed his arm gently in an attempt to calm him.
A loud groan escaped her when Chakotay slammed her against the bulkhead and painfully jerked one of her arms behind her back. She felt her shoulder joint dislocate and several tendons tear.

"Captain Janeway is dead. Now tell me who you are!" Never had Kathryn heard this much anger and hatred in Chakotay's voice. He had always been so very calm and gentle. His hostile attitude scared her more than the information that here - wherever that was - she was dead.
It was difficult to keep her mind on the problem at hand, being trapped between Chakotay's solid body and the wall. The pain in her arm and shoulder was excruciating and her head hurt from hitting the bulkhead.

"I'm not … Something is wrong here, Chakotay. Please let me …" One of his hands grabbed her hair and jerked her head back, forcing her to look at him.

"There is only one thing I'll let you do. I'll let you feel how we treat liars around here." He let that threat hang in the air for a few seconds before pulling her away from the wall and leading her to the turbolift, never releasing his hold on her.
Janeway tried to explain her situation several times, only to be rewarded with a violent yank on her hair each time.

Inside the lift, she was once again pushed face first into the wall. Kathryn screamed in pain as she felt her nose break and tears shot into her eyes, blurring her vision.

"Feeling any more inclined to tell the truth now?" Janeway decided that silence probably was the best option. Obviously, what she had to say was of no interest to Chakotay at the moment. Instead, she concentrated on breathing through the pain the way Tuvok had taught her.

"Thought so. Until you change your mind, I'll leave you in the capable hands of Mr. Ayala." He dragged her out of the lift and along the corridors of deck 13 towards the brig. Once there, he pushed her through the door and sent her sprawling to the floor. Janeway landed right in front of Mike Ayala and just as fast as she had gotten there, she was on her feet again to fight him.
With her right arm hanging uselessly at her side, Kathryn's opportunities were extremely limited and her attempt at a roundhouse kick landed her right back on the floor when the security officer kicked her in the knee.
Rough arms yanked her up and into one of the cells. Unable to support any weight on the injured leg, Kathryn fell again, hitting her head on the bunk at the far wall, she passed out.

Janeway had no idea how much time had passed since she had been dumped in the brig. She woke up with a terrible headache, a swollen knee and nose and a useless arm. These injuries left her with little chance to fight her way out of here. She would have to rely on diplomacy. Talking her way out of this mess was her only option. If only she knew how she had gotten here. If only Chakotay trusted her enough to help her find out.

Chakotay.

What had happened to him? Everyone still wore the Starfleet uniforms which meant that this was no Maquis ship. She was dead in this … what? Timeline? Universe? Future? That explained Chakotay's disbelief, but had he ever been this violent? What had changed to turn him into this man?
Kathryn knew that she would have to figure that out in order to get him to trust her.

First of all she would have to find out where she was. Slowly, she picked herself up off the floor and limped over to the force field. Looking out of her cell, she saw Ayala working at his station.

"Lieutenant Ayala, can you tell me the stardate, please?" She hid her anger and resentment at her situation carefully and modulated her voice into a soft, submissive tone. It would not help to anger the man.

Ayala glared at her for several seconds, undoubtedly trying to decide if there was any harm in telling her. Kathryn knew the security officer well enough to detect some doubt about her status as enemy in his expression. Maybe not everyone was convinced that she was an imposter.

"It's stardate 54773.4, ma'am." He studied her for a long time, his dark, expressive eyes locking with hers. Kathryn held his stare, knowing that the young man was trying to decide weather he should believe her or not.
"Thank you, Lieutenant." He nodded curtly and turned back to his console, a frown on his handsome face.

Janeway returned to the bunk and sat down. One part of the puzzle was solved. She had not travelled to the future. This had to be another timeline or another universe.
She should not have taken a nap back on the flyer. If she had stayed awake and with the others she would have know how she had ended up here.
She had to convince Chakotay to let the Doctor run some scans on her. That would prove her identity and maybe even give them an idea of what had happened to her.

Kathryn sat on the bed for several hours, running through different scenarios, trying different ways of approaching Chakotay in her head. She had to treat him like a stranger, because in this reality he was. She did not know anything about the man he had become, did not know how he would react, how far he would go in his anger. Kathryn had to be careful when dealing with him. Trusting him as completely as she was used to could be dangerous in this case. The feelings she had for him had to be put aside. He was not her Chakotay and he most certainly did not return those feelings. Or did he?

Her headache increased with every turn her thoughts took and Kathryn finally gave in and tried to relax. She stretched out on the bunk and closed her eyes. Willing her mind to shut down, she concentrated on her heartbeat and the constant thrum of the engines until she drifted off to sleep.

A hard shove startled Kathryn out of her confusing dream, and opening her eyes, she stared into a pair of dark eyes.

"Get up." Chakotay's voice left no room for argument. Janeway slowly sat, and ignoring the throbbing pain in her head, she stood up, careful not to put any weight on her injured leg.
Raising her chin, Janeway faced him, determined to get her problem solved.

"Do you think you can tell me the truth now?" His tone was harsh and his piercing stare warned her not to underestimate him.

"As I told you yesterday, I am Kathryn Janeway. If you'd just…" She was cut off by a slap across the cheek. By reflex, Kathryn went into defence mode and before she even realized what had happened, she had landed a punch.
Chakotay grunted as her fist impacted with his stomach and without thinking he knocked her to the floor with an uppercut.

Holding her left hand against her mouth where she had bitten her lip, Janeway glared at him. She saw regret on his face for an instant, before he hid his emotions behind a mask again. He might not believe her story, but it was not at all like him to beat a woman.

"I don't like to repeat myself. Kathryn Janeway is dead. You can stop your charade. Who are you and what do you want?" The dark eyes Kathryn loved so much were filled with anger and hatred, but there was something else in them. Something that scared and fascinated her at the same time, but she could not identify it.
Nevertheless, his refusal to even give her the benefit of the doubt annoyed her and being beaten up did not improve her mood either. She took a deep, calming breath. Her voice sounded cool and composed when she answered.

"I don't like to repeat myself any more that you do, so I'm going to say this just one more time and I would really like you to listen to me. I am Kathryn Janeway. If you let the Doctor run a few scans, he could easily confirm my identity. Then we can finally find out how I ended up here and how I can go back to where I came from."

For several seconds the two officers stared at each other. Finally, Chakotay motioned for Ayala to lower the force field.

"Lieutenant, accompany her to sickbay and make sure the Doctor runs every test he can think of. When he's done, bring her to my ready room."

The younger man nodded, and gently taking Kathryn's good arm, he led her out of the brig.

When Ayala brought her into the ready room, Janeway stopped in her tracks. The room had no resemblance to the one she had left behind a few days ago. This room was his. Apart from her old telescope, her decoration was gone, replaced by some artifacts, a blanket with a tribal pattern on the sofa and one of his sand paintings on the wall.

Chakotay sat behind the desk, studying her. She felt his gaze on her, following her to the shelf that held her telescope.

"You kept this." She gently ran her fingers along the smooth surface.

"Yes, I couldn't bring myself to put it away. It doesn't belong in a storage container." His voice was soft and as she turned around, Kathryn caught a faraway look on his face before he snapped himself out of it.
The wall between them came up again and his expression hardened. He motioned for her to sit in one of the chairs in front of his desk.

"What now?" It was a simple question, but it conveyed so many things. His reluctance to believe her, his unwillingness to endanger his ship and crew and maybe even some dread at the prospect of losing her.
Kathryn realized that the last thought was wishful thinking on her part. If they were to successfully work together, she had to stop thinking of this Chakotay and the one from her universe as one person.

"We find out what happened and look for a way for me to go back to where I came from." He eyed her suspiciously for a while.

"Why don't we start with you telling me what you can remember?" He crossed his arms in front of his chest and fixed his narrowed eyes on her.

"You still don't trust me, do you?" She could not believe it. One moment she thought she had his trust and the next he shut her out again.

Sighing in frustration, Kathryn told him all she knew from the beginning of the away mission four days ago to the moment he had found her on deck three.

"I don't know exactly how much time passed between the moment I fell asleep and the time I awoke in the corridor. It can't have been more than an hour, though. If we returned to the position we held back then, we would be able to scan for anomalies. There must be some spatial rift or something of that kind."

"Listen, if we went back to that position, it would bring us within a day of Parmyrian space. We cannot afford another fight with them. It's not worth the risk. I'm sorry."
His stone cold, dismissive reply contradicted his statement and it got to her more that she wanted to admit.

"Oh thanks! In other words, you don't care about what happens to me? How very comforting." Pushing the chair back, she stood and went over to the viewport. Leaning her head against the cool material, she closed her eyes and tried to reign in her emotions.

"That's not what I…" His sharp answer was interrupted by Harry Kim's hail.

"Captain, we're receiving a distress call." The young man sounded battle-weary and much older than he was.

"Position?"

"About five light years off course, sir." His toneless reply indicated that he already knew what his captain would order.

"Proceed on our current heading, Ensign. We will not change course. Chakotay out." Chakotay issued the order with the finality of a death sentence and it might well have been one.

Janeway stared at him in disbelief. The dam she had carefully built around her emotions broke and with the full power of her rage, she turned on him like a lioness.

"How can you just ignore them? They could die out there without our help. You can't go on like that. It's not only against regulations; it's against everything we believe in. Damn it, I order you to…"

His eyes darkened and he stalked over to her, his voice dangerously calm.

"You have no right to order me or anyone else on this ship around. How dare you tell me what I can and cannot do? You are in no position to judge me or anyone on this ship. You know nothing about us. I'm the one responsible for this ship and crew and I say what will be done.
I give you two options. Either you stay with us and accept the way we do things around here or you can go. I'd be happy to drop you off at the next suitable planet. It's your choice."
He was boiling with rage and Janeway fought the impulse to take a step back. She herself could barely contain her anger, and placing her hands on her hips, she turned on him.

"Damn it, I can't stay here. There are people relying on me. They are waiting for me. I have a crew to get home. Why can't you understand that?"

"Don't you tell me about having a crew to get home. That is exactly what I'm doing here and believes me; they can very well do it without you. You're not as indispensable as you would like to think." He had forced her to take a step back and once again she found herself caught between him and a wall.
Kathryn ignored the distracting heat his body radiated and instead concentrated on the fire that burned inside her. A fire fed with anger, frustration and fear.

"I couldn't help but notice how well you do. What happened to you, Chakotay?" In an attempt to free herself, Kathryn gave him a hard shove, which demonstrated all her pent up emotions, but had little effect otherwise.
Instead of stepping back, Chakotay grabbed her shoulders and pressed her back against the solid wall behind her. He was spitting mad and Kathryn feared that he might hurt her again.

"I can't believe how naïve you are. Damn it, haven't you learned anything out here?" He shook her angrily, slamming her head against the transparent aluminum in the process.

Their eyes spit fire and they both breathed heavily. Suddenly, the tension between them changed. It had been a very long time since Kathryn had last felt this kind of sizzling between them. It had been at the very beginning of their journey, when they had not known each other very well, when there had still been distrust.
Wide-eyed, she stared at him, at the same time fearing and anticipating what might come next.

Her eyes dropped to his luscious mouth and her tongue darted out to moisten her lips. She realized her mistake immediately as his pupils dilated.
In an instant, Chakotay had her painfully crushed to the viewport, a thigh between her legs and his mouth against hers.
Her cry of pain opened her mouth enough for him to push his tongue inside. His kiss was punishing and Kathryn tasted blood and coffee and him. She bit down hard on his lip, satisfied and strangely aroused when she drew blood.

His hands found her breasts and kneaded them savagely through her uniform. Kathryn was desperate to feel his hands on her naked skin and began struggling out of her clothes without letting go of his mouth.
His eager fingers ripped the last remaining barrier away and continued their ruthless massage until Kathryn had pushed her pants down to her feet. He opened his pants and freed his penis with one hand, the other wandering up to tangle in her hair.
When he was exposed to her heated gaze, he pushed her down to her knees, and grabbing his cock, he buried himself in her wet mouth.

Kathryn relaxed her throat and took him in as far as possible. She sucked on him eagerly, one hand cupping his balls through his pants, the other stroking his firm cheeks.
Kneeling in front of him, completely naked and with his cock deep in her mouth, Kathryn felt incredibly aroused. Never before had she been turned on by this submissive position. She enjoyed his salty taste, musky smell and his silkiness, lost in the sensations.

Suddenly she was pulled to her feet again by his strong arms and his tongue invaded her mouth once again. Chakotay navigated them over to the railing that separated the lower level from the upper level, and getting there, he spun her around and pushed her against it.

Grabbing the railing with both hands, Kathryn managed to soften the impact and pushed herself back slightly. Chakotay grabbed her hips from behind, and taking his cock in one hand, he entered her in one powerful thrust.
Janeway screamed in pain as his hot thickness tore at her inner muscles and when she opened her eyes again, she met the aroused gaze of Mike Ayala. The security officer still stood by the door, dutifully protecting his captain, although he obviously did not need any protection. He had never been dismissed though and probably had not wanted to draw any attention toward himself once they had gotten to the more personal part of their 'conversation'.

Ayala's eyes traveled over her exposed body, lingering on her breasts which were again kneaded by dark hands.
Kathryn tore her eyes away from the lieutenant's face only to have them drawn to his lower body. His pants were open and he had freed his large penis. He stroked himself lazily while studying the scene before him.

She stared at the delicious erection and licked her lips. The presence of the other man turned her on even more and Kathryn felt her cheeks burn with embarrassment. For a second she considered letting Ayala join them, but that was simply out of the question. Never would she have sex with a junior officer. She could not help wondering what it would be like, though.

Chakotay pumped into her relentlessly, his wonderful thickness filling her perfectly, hitting her cervix with every thrust. He was not gentle. It was nothing like the tender lovemaking she had always envisioned for their first time. It was sex. Plain and simple. Nothing more. There were no emotions involved other than lust and anger.
She regretted letting it get this far, but her body cried out for completion and would not let her stop him. Some calculating part of her brain even hoped that after she had let him take her, Chakotay would be more willing to help her get back to her own universe.

Shutting out all thoughts of improper behavior, alternate universes and conflicting emotions, Kathryn let her mind wander back to Ayala's presence and the possibilities it offered.

She imagined him walking towards her, his hand still stroking himself. He would stand in front of her, and pulling her upper body further down so that she would hang over the railing, he would make her swallow him.
His hands would grab her hair and hold her head still while he would thrust into her mouth.

A finger pressing against her anus shocked Kathryn out of her fantasy and she shied away from it, shaking her head in denial. Chakotay ignored her protests. He pushed first one and then a second finger into her tight channel, moaning in pleasure at the sensation.
Taking a deep breath, Kathryn relaxed her muscles, allowing him to enter her most private place. After a short moment of discomfort, the pain subsided and pleasure took over her entire being.

The thought of Ayala's fat penis pushing down her throat and the feeling of Chakotay thrusting into both her entrances brought her closer and closer to the edge. The fire in her belly slowly spread until she thought her entire body was on fire.
Finally, she exploded in a mind-shattering orgasm. Screaming her release, her internal muscles contracted around Chakotay's throbbing erection, bringing on his own climax. He let her pulsing sex milk him of the last drop, before he pulled out of her and tucked himself back into his pants.

As if nothing had happened, Chakotay walked towards the doors, his face an impassive mask.

"Ayala, bring our guest back to her cell after she got dressed."

The lieutenant nodded, using his tank top to clean his hands of his sticky fluids.

"Aye, Captain."

Kathryn pushed herself away from the railing, outrage clearly written on her face.

"You can't just lock me up again. I have to find a way back. I can't stay here." There was a slight edge of panic in her voice. Surely he would have changed his mind after what had just happened.
Chakotay whirled around, his face contorted in anger.

"Did you really think letting me fuck you would make me turn the ship around and spend days poking around space, looking for some non-existent anomaly? Your two options still stand. I expect your decision by tomorrow morning."

Janeway stared at his retreating back, not noticing that almost the entire bridge crew was able to see her. When the doors shut behind him, Kathryn shook herself out of her rage long enough to dress.

Ayala's gaze followed her every movement hungrily until she turned to glare at him. He had the grace to blush and lower his eyes and Kathryn returned to getting dressed. She felt dirty and used. It was difficult to decide who she despised most at the moment; Chakotay, Ayala or herself.
What had come over her anyway, to let this stranger touch her, to let him make … to let him fuck her.
Tears shot to her eyes, but she fought them down again, disgusted at herself for wallowing in self-pity.
There were more important things to put her mind to at the moment. She needed to find a way out of there. Somehow she had to get rid of Ayala, get a shuttle and return to the coordinates where she suspected the anomaly that had pulled her away from her universe. Deciding to keep her eyes open for an opportunity to surprise Mike, Kathryn closed her uniform pants and walked over to the door.

Ayala took her arm with his right hand, the hand that had brought on his release only moments ago. Kathryn stared at the offending appendage, raising an eyebrow in disgust. The younger man's face darkened once again and he let his hand drop to his side.

As they passed the bridge and entered the turbolift, Kathryn tried to ignore the stares of the bridge crew. She realized that they had to know what had happened in the ready room earlier. Determined not to let them see her mortification, she held her head high and her eyes straight ahead.

Before the turbolift doors shut behind them, Kathryn covertly observed the bridge crew. There was something odd about the way they behaved. Silence lay over the room like a leaden blanket. The silent conversations, the friendly bantering, the smiles were absent. The atmosphere was frosty without the companionship she had experienced only a few days ago.

The closing doors shut out the frostiness, but not before a shudder of dread ran down her spine. She could never stay here on this ship occupied by a crew of walking corpses without compassion, without conscience. No matter how, Kathryn would find a way home or die trying. She focused her attention on her companion again, searching for her window of opportunity.

It was obvious that Ayala was slightly uncomfortable in her presence. It was a weakness Kathryn intended to take advantage of as soon as possible.
They walked down the corridor towards the brig when the corridor suddenly began to vanish.

At first, Kathryn thought that her head injury had been worse than she thought, but as the blurriness expanded, a distortion took shape right in front of them.

In the space of a few seconds, Kathryn's mind went over all the possible explanations, trying to come up with the odds of this being her way home.
She had never been one to be overly cautious and it was highly unlikely for them to come across two anomalies like that in two days. Although there was a chance that this distortion would lead somewhere entirely different, Kathryn threw caution to the wind and Lieutenant Ayala against the bulkhead and ran towards the distortion.

Slowly Kathryn opened her eyes and closed them again instantly.

Headache. She had a terrible headache.

"Captain?" The Doctor's voice rang in her ears painfully. She groaned in pain, but even that caused her head to hurt. The gentle pressure of a hypospray against her neck made her relax and the pain lessened almost instantly. Trying once again to open her eyes, she saw the Doctor look down at her.

"Doctor, what … Am I …" Her voice sounded gruff to her own ears. The EMH smiled and in his usual lecturing tone, he informed her that she was once again safely on board her own ship, thanks to B'Elanna and Seven of Nine. And although their creative plan would most certainly be of utmost interest to her, she was to remain off duty for the rest of the day.

"That means bed rest, Captain. Commander Chakotay has already been informed of my orders and scheduled a staff meeting for tomorrow morning to fill you in on our latest adventure. I trust that you will be able to contain your curiosity until then."

Kathryn rolled her eyes. What had she done to deserve this annoying hologram? He had to know that there was no way she would just go to bed now. She would at least stop by the bridge on her way home. Of course she did not plan to inform the EMH of her intention.

"All right, Doc. You win. Truth be told, I'm rather tired. Are we done here?" It took every ounce of energy she had left to hide her annoyance.

"Certainly, Captain. Here's a hypospray with an analgesic in case the headache returns. If you experience any dizziness or nausea, call me immediately. Good night, Captain." He put the pain killer in her hand and left for his office.

Just as the triumphant smile crept on Kathryn's face, the sickbay doors opened to admit her first officer. He smiled at her, but behind his dimples, Kathryn saw a calculating smirk. He knew exactly what she had planned and was here to make sure she went straight to her quarters.

"Captain, it's good to see you up and about again. How are you?" He placed his hands on her arms, but was startled when she took a quick step away from him.

"I'm fine, Commander. Just a bit tired maybe. I think I'll take the Doctor's advice and turn in now." She put one a smile to cover her discomfort at his closeness.

Concern was evident in his voice when he gestured towards the door. "Allow me to walk you home, Captain?"

Kathryn nodded and left sickbay, the Commander right behind her. The tension between them was almost solid enough to touch and she felt bad for having caused it.
Somehow she had to work through her experience before it damaged their friendship. It was not fair to hold the other Chakotay's actions against her kind-hearted first officer. She would have to get over it. If only she could make him understand.

When they arrived at her door, they both stared at the floor, reluctant to part. Kathryn was still trying to decide how to repair the damage her trip had done, when she heard herself ask if he wanted to come in for a cup of tea.

Her head shot up and she met his scrutinizing gaze.

"If you're sure you're not too tired?" He wanted to give her a way out, having realized that she had not intended to ask him in and for a second she was tempted to take her offer back. Instead, she keyed in her code and motioned for him to come in.

"I don't think I could sleep, anyway. There's so much going through my mind at the moment. Tea or wine?" Kathryn stood at the replicator, busying herself with inconsequential things to take her mind off the problem at hand.

"Tea, please." Chakotay sat down on the sofa, hands folded in his lap, studying her. He took his cup from her hands when she approached him.

"Kathryn, what's wrong? Something's bothering you. Maybe it'll help to talk about it."

Her first impulse was to walk over to the viewport, getting as much distance between them as possible, but she sat down next to him, cradling her coffee cup in her hands. Her eyes were fixed on the dark liquid as if it held all the answers.

"I was on another Voyager." It was all she said for a long moment, but Chakotay did not pressure her for more. He sat next to her, silent and solid as a rock. His kind and understanding eyes resting on her like a caress. He grounded her and gave her the strength she needed, as he always did.
She took another sip of her hot coffee and drew a deep breath before she haltingly began to talk.

"They were so different, Chakotay. There was so much bitterness and resentment, no joy, no laughter. Their only goal was getting home. There was no exploration, no kindness towards others. God, they … they ignored a distress call just because it was slightly out of their way.
What happened to them that they changed so much? Although, physically, they were my crew, in all other aspects they were strangers." Kathryn paused again to gather her thoughts.

"At the Academy they tried to prepare us for the difficulties meeting ourselves in another timeline or universe would bring. I can only imagine what it must have been like for you." Very gently Chakotay tried to help her focus and she was thankful for his efforts.

"I did not meet myself. I … Their Kathryn was dead. Had been dead for 3 years." She read understanding on his features. Understanding for her confusion or the change in the crew, she wondered.

"Chakotay, what happened to them? Why did they become so cruel? It was almost like …" That thought had only now occurred to her and she was shocked at the comparison.

"Like what?" he prodded gently when he noticed her reluctance to share her thought.

"They reminded me of the Equinox crew. I didn't see them commit murder, but …"

"You wouldn't dismiss the possibility entirely?" he finished for her. Kathryn shook her head sadly, still struggling with the thought.

"Why, Chakotay?" Her distress was apparent in her voice.

"Do you remember the story I told you on New Earth?" Kathryn nodded, pushing any further thoughts of this time five years ago out of her mind.

"What I told you, about finding peace in working with you… it was true. I can only guess what it would be like to bring this crew home without you. You might not realize it, but your determination, your passion for exploration is what keeps us all focused on our ultimate goal, but you also hold the community together.

"Don't take me wrong, we would get home without you, but if you left, you would take a lot of what we are with you. We have no way of knowing what they went through in this other universe. Your loss probably wasn't the only disaster that hit them. The thought scares me, but I can almost understand how my counterpart could have changed into the man you met. I think I might even have known him once."

Chakotay looked troubled and Kathryn felt guilty for burdening him with her problems. The poor man had probably spent the last day and a half on duty searching for her. He had to be terribly tired and here she was, keeping him awake.

"I'm sorry, Chakotay. I'm keeping you awake. You must be tired. I better let you go to bed." Kathryn took their empty cups and stood, when she felt his hand on her arm.

"There's something else, isn't there? You haven't told me everything."

She thought about denying his assumption for an instant, but they needed to talk about it. She sat down on the sofa again, careful to maintain a certain distance between them.

"There was a time when I almost became like him. If it hadn't been for you, I would have crossed that line. I lost so much of myself over the last years. As much as I hated seeing this other crew, they made me realize how much I myself have turned from our earlier spirit of exploration.
We used to have so much more fun. I used to be closer to the crew. In the last two years I have only heard all the rumors from you, if I heard them at all.
I didn't want to admit it at the time, but I'm not too far from becoming like them."

Chakotay contemplated her words and nodded slowly.

"You have distanced yourself more and more from the crew over the last years. We all noticed it and you're right, it had an impact on morale and on our general attitude. We're more driven to get home now than we were at the beginning of the journey."

His honest words hit Kathryn hard, although she had already realized these things herself. She had let her crew down lately, but that would change now. Somehow she would recover their enthusiasm.

His hand on her shoulder and his unique, male scent took her completely by surprise and she was overwhelmed by the memories which suddenly assaulted her. Her naked body bent over the railing in her ready room, being taken by her first officer.

Jumping up, Kathryn took a few quick steps towards the viewport, before she realized what she was doing and changed her direction.
She welcomed the relative safety her desk provided, and putting it between Chakotay and herself, she looked up at him again.

A mix of pain, confusion and concern was written on his face. He reluctantly walked over to her, and ignoring the solid barrier her desk represented, he leaned against it close to her, but still granting her slightly more than her usual personal space.

"Kathryn? What's wrong? What was that all ab…?" His eyes widened in shock as comprehension dawned on him.

"Did he… did he hurt you? Kathryn, please tell me he didn't…" Chakotay's eyes pleaded with her to tell him he was wrong. When Kathryn cast down her eyes in embarrassment, he turned away from her, his hands buried in his dark hair.

"It wasn't like that, Chakotay. He didn't force me to do anything I didn't want."

He looked at her over his shoulder, his eyes full of doubt. When he turned back without saying anything, Kathryn approached him haltingly, placing a gentle hand on his back.

"Chakotay, please don't shut me out. I need you. I need your help to find that woman I used to be. You're the only one on this ship who really knew her. I can't do this without you."

Turning around, Chakotay was touched by her uncertainty and he opened is arms for her, unsure if she would accept the gesture. She surprised them both when she stepped into is open arms and rested her head against his chest.

"I'm sorry, Kathryn." He rested his chin on the top of her head, her soft hair tickling his skin. They stood like that for some time. His strong heartbeat had a calming effect on Kathryn and for the first time in a very long time, she felt safe.

"Are we going to be okay?" His question was slightly muffled as his face was buried in her hair.

"Yes. Just give us some time."

**************************

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© Kate Wallace 1999-2009

"Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings the tune
Without the words,
and never stops at all.

-Emily Dickinson